I Wanna Know What Love Is, I Want a Girl to Show Me

At first glance, you might suppose this week’s entry is just for the guys.  As usual, you would be wrong.  True, a portion of this blog is dedicated to helping men more successfully woo the ladies.  But ladies, can we not all learn a thing or two about picking up … a friend?  Lets get started.

I have provided a list of dos and don’ts of picking up girls, whether you want her to be a friend or more then one.

Do: Buy her flowers and expect her to put them in water to preserve their beauty.

Don’t: Buy her Hamburger Helper and expect her to make you breakfast to trick her into not leaving the house all day because you will want to be near a toilet the rest of the day if you are planning on having Hamburger Helper for breakfast.

Do: Tell her that her she smells nice.

Don’t: Fart and tell her to smell it.

Do: Shower and wear nice clothes before you go out on the town with her.

Don’t: Tell her not to shower and not to wear nice clothes when you take her to your friends house so that they won’t want to flirt with her because she will look and smell awful.

Do: Remember her birthday.

Don’t: Forget her birthday.

 Do: Compliment her on some achievement she has accomplished such as a poem she wrote, or a fashion show she once judged.

Don’t: Bring up that time she was playing basketball in high school and lost a game 13 to 1.

Do: Tell her she looks beautiful, like Audrey Hepburn.

Don’t:  Tell her she looks like Snooki.  Ever.

Do:  Buy her a drink.

Don’t: Buy her mouthwash.

Do:  Take her to see a Snow Patrol concert.

Don’t:  Take her to a Bloodhound Gang concert.

School's Back for the School Year

His alarm sounds at noon as he rolls over and hits the snooze button.  Forty-five minutes later he is watching last nights episode of Lopez Tonight on his DVR.  By 2:00 p.m.  he steps into the shower. By 3:45 p.m. he steps out of the shower.  Ten minutes later he is feasting on a generous helping of spam sandwiches.  He intentionally leaves his pants in the dryer so that he doesn’t get grease on the faded denim.  As he is leaving his house he waves to his neighbor, Bevin, who is getting home from work at the insurance company.  By 6:00 p.m. he is at the Red Robin drinking an appletini while daintily eyeing the waitress from across the bar.  While he is cracking jokes with his buddies at the expense of the least popular “buddy,” he realizes this will be the last Wednesday night he will be spending at the Red Robin for the next eight months.    School is about to begin.  Life as we have been accustomed to over the last three months is coming to an end.  No more bragging to the waitress about your brief stint as Billy Elliot on Broadway. Nope, Nope. Eight months of nonstop punching in, punching out, do this, do that, come to class or you wont get participation points bull shit.  So how can we prepare for the transition of summer to school?  I would like to propose to you a three-step program that should ease the transition.

Step 1.  Stop watching MacGyver right now so that you can get through the headaches of lack of mental stimulation.  There is nothing worse then listening to some guy you hate ramble on with a splitting headache with nothing to think about except how much MacGyver means to you.

Step 2.  Don’t try to impress other students with your stories of the nights you spent on the airboat acting like Burt Reynolds in White Lightening.  This will only provide stimulation to the brain providing you with a false sense of mind bottling activity yet to come.  It will only make you long for those nights on the airboat even more.

Step 3:  If at all possible, make up a background story that is similar to your favorite movie.  That way when someone asks you where you are from you can tell him or her that you are from Philadelphia and you just won the heavyweight belt back from Clubber Lang.  That way, instead of watching your favorite movie, you can live it.  It will provide some entertainment for the coming year.

I know that these simple steps wont make the transition completely painless, but it will make your opening week more bearable and entertaining.